My Very Own Religion

I am going to base my religion on the sound foundations of Scientology. There is no point in creating a religion without making money from it, and I don't want to have to gain millions of followers, like the evangelical Christians in the USA, and create Super Churches the size of shopping malls before I can start fleecing my flock. 

No, I need a ready market to subdue with my religious TV telethons, phone bank donations to my charity, and postal and PayPal gifts of money to rush in ASAP to build the important things a 21st century holy Messiah requires in his 24 bedroom, Hollywood mansion. 

Items such as extra hot tubs, and indoor swimming pools in my guest quarters, otherwise, there is no point in running my Web 2.0 Online Messiah holy man religion.

Yes, Ron Hubbard had it right, and even though he basically admitted before creating the religion when just a mere science fiction writer, that the best way to get rich was to start a religion and charge people to join. 

It seems people are that lost and stupid, and some are so lonely searching for belonging, that they will look past the obvious profit motive and pay thousands to take the climb up the spiritual ladder until the final level at a cost of £25,000 inc tax, no refunds allowed, whereupon I bestow on them the ultimate secret. 

That all life started off as the negative thoughts of ancient aliens, billions of locked up souls, stuck in volcanos on planets in faraway Galaxies, until Malthusa, the divine son of Drax the mighty, released their energy to free it across the universe, but unfortunately the downwards spiral of humanity lured these beings into human bodies as hosts, where they remain until cleansed by my holy teachings.

I would obviously need to prey, cough, preach to the rich, as there is no point aiming a PayAsUGo religion to the poor, although I will offer a monthly charge subscription, for those people with limited resources. 

They can pay each month, and if there was a month they did not have the money then they would just miss out on the online sermons which I deliver over the Internet, from my holy web chamber, after all the babe-station girls have cleared off from the previous night's shows.

It will be an Internet religion of course, just like how modern-day pirate radio stations are now able to play their station's music online, I will have a special website www.holyreliousteahings.scam.com where people can sign up with a simple credit card for either monthly, yearly, or lifetime subscriptions. 

There will also be the many lives option for those looking to cleanse their whole past and future life re-incarnations and they will be able through the magic of Californian law to pass their religion, and any accrued debt, and monthly fees, onto their beloved ones after they pass in their will reading ceremony.

Obviously, the single lifetime subscription-only means that the follower can listen to my sermons over the web for free until they die, the many life subscriptions ensure their re-incarnated souls and their beloved family are bestowed the chance to carry on the route to oneness and by doing so enjoy the fruits that an honest man can enjoy with an empty bank account.

For one to actually progress in the religion, they must clean their soul of the dangerous Satanic bacteria which accumulates in everyone's body due to the negativity that surrounds us from living in a Capitalist society. A society where everything, including your afterlife, is up for sale. 

These followers of mine must progress from a mere subscriber to a holy Ponzi scheme Priest, who by enrolling more student believers up to my religion gain credit and help pay off their own debts to me, by taking a percentage of any believer they have enriched with my teachings, own subscription fee. This way it ensures that my Holy word gets out to as many victims, cough, I mean students of theology and philosophy as possible.

Of course, I will prove that the demonic bacteria that infects us all within this capitalist society will have numerous scientific studies to back up my teachings and to prevent hooligan BBC reporters from claiming I am a charlatan. 

I will have numerous pseudoscientists, many of who have bought their degrees on the Internet, to back up the much-needed science that proves without a doubt, that people are indeed collecting a dangerous amount of this demonic bacteria by surrounding themselves with material goods and worthless, soulless consumables, the possession of which is very unhealthy for one's soul. 

Only I who have reached enlightenment like the 8 Buddhas before me, and carry the re-incarnated souls of Hare Krishna, Prometheus, Osiris, and Mitras within me am capable of enjoying such earthy pleasures without being corrupted by the demonic bacteria. 

For I alone am the re-incarnated one, who can see backward in time so far that I come around again and see myself from the future looking back. 

I alone am enthused with the holy spirit of Osiris and Odin and have the strength of a million men, capable of resisting the temptation of having holy sex rituals with my follower's beloved wives and daughters, without human feelings and emotions getting in the way to complicate matters.

I will have regular "drive-in" events where my followers wishing to cleanse themselves of the evil of capitalist consumption will be able to drop off their 50" Plasma screen 8k TV's and top of the range automobiles such as Ferraris, Jaguars, and Audi's to my personal right-hand religious guards who will ensure they are taken safely from the selfish, too unfit to enjoy them whilst full of demonic bacteria, to my own mansion where I alone, cleansed of all demonic bacteria, can enjoy the fruits of my labour. 

For it is said in the book of John, that only those who follow thy PayAsUGo 200 step by step guide will reach enlightenment and walk in my footsteps through the doors of the golden city and spend eternity in heaven.

A pure scientific religion suited for the critical times we live in, with a suitable payment scheme for every soul to enable me to enrich myself at the same time as helping people. 

It truly is the only true way we as a modern society can survive the evil of capitalism and rampant consumerism. 

I am considering buying the old ranch at Waco, where David Koresh once lived for my first US church, I am sure there will be no problems with the federal authorities.

© All Rights Reserved 2022 By Robert Reid