The 8 Year Nap....

I took a nap one day and when I woke up everything was different. It was as if someone had come into my room and re-decorated whilst I was asleep. Instead of my TV hanging off the wall it was just a glass screen embedded into it with what looked like 16K quality TV images. There was some sort of 3D advert being played with a woman trying to sell me some type of nutritional pill, I went to take it but my hand went straight through hers. It was 3D TV with no silly glasses, the woman just seemed to lean out of the screen like a hologram image. “Obi One, Please help me”, crossed my mind when I tried to take the pill and just swiped clean air.

I could have sworn I'd left the A Team on before I went to sleep, what the fuck was going on. I rolled over to look for my mobile but couldn't find it. Instead of my multi plug box with USB sockets and dozens of wires each with different plug ends, I found nothing beside my bed.

“For fucks sake”, I exclaimed, “Where's my phone!”, and then came an electronic voice from my wrist. “Who would you like to call?”

I looked down at my shirt and peeled back my sleeve to reveal a small indent in my wrist with a small microchip like device embedded within my skin. Oh no I thought the mark of the beast, we are indeed in the time of the Anti Christ. I made the sign of the holy cross and then spat at the wall. Catholicism, the den of the devil, teller of lies. I tried to see if I could pick the chip out with a scalpel that I always kept by my bed but it was embedded very deep. I'd probably cut an artery or deep vein trying to pick it out.

Well if I can't remove the mark of the beast I might as well try and use it I thought. What questions should I ask it as I wondered what time it was.

“The time is 7.35PM 24^th November 2028”. It was as if the device could read my mind, telepathy and nerve signals seemed to control it without the need for a voice sensor. What was I doing in 2028. I had no scooby doo and decided to find out if anyone I knew was still about. “Ring Dad” I thought in my mind.

“Sorry your father is no longer a contact” came the reply. “What do you mean”, I asked. “He died in 2026 on the 4^th March at 8.05PM from a combination of brain cancer and...”, “yeah yeah shut the fuck up” I replied, pissed off at the news and the irritating voice the info came from inside my noggin.

Instead I tried my other parent, “Ring Mum” I thought, only to be met with a similar reply. After a few more tries for friends who had all died of strokes, overdoses, suicides, murders and pulmonary embolisms I gave up.

Great no-one I knew left alive and everyone I had ever known were either dead or had no number logged in the RFID chips system.

Bollox, what was I supposed to do now as I stood up and looked outside the glass screen that had replaced my window. I could still see the same shitty street I always could outside but like the phones from the time before my nap, I could use my fingers to zoom in and out of the view.

There was a cat on the other side of the street in an odd position, and I zoomed in on it to see what it was doing. Licking it's own bollocks, how pleasant I thought and made a big throw away outward swipe with my hands and the window returned to normal view. I tried it again and this time the glass shaded out with a pale blue colour. 

I guess they were the new style of curtains but suspected any flying cop drone outside would still be able to see me inside even if I couldn't see out. Time had changed and I was all out of place. This was going to be one lonely road ahead I thought to myself unless it was just a time slip. They were known to have happened to people you just had to believe in the right branch of theoretical physics.

I remembered that I had just recently watched a TED Talk about how all time ran concurrently, all past, current and future events were all running at the same point. There was no actual time, it was a human concept to explain the passing of events but had no actual measurement or basis in fundamental reality. It seemed to explain CIA Remote Viewers, psychics like Edgar Cayce, as well as ghosts. They were just images of extreme events so horrific they were etched onto the tape of time that constantly repeated the scene over and over again. It made some sort of sense.

It also meant that simulation theory may also be a potential possibility, we could all just be computer simulations in one big computer game like the SIMS. I just had to find a way into the servers hard disk and rewind a few years to the sector on the drive that would bring me back to where I was 8 years ago.

How was I going to do that though, I only got a double D in Science at school and that was because I luckily didn't get expelled for setting fire to people's lab coats with the Bunsen burners. Science at school was cutting up pigs feet and putting me off bacon, it wasn't anything as interesting as Simulation theory.

I cannot claim to be an expert, and certain concepts were beyond my own limits of physics but I did like to listen to the lectures when I dozed off to sleep at night.

“Computer thingy, how do I go back in time?” I asked out loud in the hope of a reasonable reply. Instead I got a lecture.

“Nick Bostrom, Elon Musk and other proponents of the simulation theory believe that if a society is able to age past the point of self destruction which comes once they have the ability to split the atom, and not destroy themselves in nuclear conflict, that AI Quantum computers will become so powerful that it is only logical that they will create their own universes. They will also create galaxies, planets and people, all with individual characteristics and thoughts. This comes about purely as a consequence of “just” being able to do so. An example would be the CERN Hadron Collider. When people were wary of creating mini black holes and destroying the earth scientists still went ahead with the idea, purely because they could. We are already probably existing within a simulation times N to the power of how many civilisations have passed that point of destruction and carried on to evolve to be able to create such super computers.”.

That wasn't exactly the 3 minute “how to” YouTube video I wanted to see on Time Travel. It was almost as useless as asking Google for real search results that hadn't already been approved and manipulated by the NSA back in the early 2020's.

All I wanted was a knob to twiddle with to turn back time. How hard could that be? Oh that gave me an idea and it must be available now with all this high tech I thought to myself as I saw what looked like an all in one body warming suit, just like the kind, I had worn when visiting Iceland.

The only difference were the thousands of tiny little nipples on the inside and a little lead with a transmitter coming out the back end. I'd imagined this day for many a decade, if I'd had the money at the time I would have invested in the first company with a viable solution to every man’s dream at the earliest point and would be sitting on a mountain of cash by now.

Birth rates are probably falling all over the world, and there were probably thousands of teenage boys waiting to be found in their rooms dead from dehydration due to “lack of fluids” all over the world right now.

I slipped the onsey on, and put the head piece over my face so that I couldn't see and jumped back onto the bed.

“Computer”, I commanded, “Angelina Jolie, from the film Mr & Mrs”, and just as I asked the magic genie delivered. Virtual Reality sex, with full 360 angles, not only a brilliant work out, but it negated the need to actually go and meet anyone any more. I had known this day would arrive at some point. I just had hoped I'd have had enough cash to invest in whatever Japanese 2^nd hand panty vending machine making company that had developed the first app. I'd be a millionaire by now if I had.

I laid back as Angelina started to strip off in front of me. Well everyone I had known might be dead and gone but at least porn had developed to the point of total fruition, there was no point at which it could develop any further. No wonder teenage boys would be found dead from starvation all over the country in 2028. Who the fuck would want to take this suit off if they owned one.

At last some rough and ready “peace” and “serenity” cleared my mind as Angelina crawled up my legs, flicking her lovely locks from side to side.

I wondered who would find my dehydrated body now everyone had died. Fuck it who cares, I've got Angelina Jolie on top of me and there's a mute button and no cuddle function as well. It was the perfect design. I could choose to have sex with whoever I wanted and would never ever again have to think of something quickly to say post coital when the lady would always roll over and ask that awkward question men never ever think about: “What are you thinking?”.

Love you really really don't want to know, but if you can put the football on, then make me a sandwich and bring us back a Stella it would definitely go halfway to answering it. I just might like to stay in this year a little bit longer I thought to myself as Angelina looked up at me and smiled with those gorgeous eyes and lovely brown hair as she unbuttoned my flies.

There were worse ways to kill yourself than shagging Hollywood icons to the point of fluid depletion I thought to myself as I laid back and let the Virtual Reality sex play out. 2028 might not be so bad after all.

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