(To the tune of Hotel California)
Welcome to the Hotel Frimley Park,
Such a lovely place,
Such a happy face.
Hardly any room at the Hotel Frimley Park.
Any time of year,
You won't find beds here.
So welcome to the hotel Frimley Park,
We got lovely staff,
N an expensive car park.
Such a lovely place,
Smiling happy face.
So welcome to ward F6,
we're all bed bound,
Lights off at 10,
don't dare make a sound.
Pls don't piss yourself,
Or dare shit yourself.
Nurses just love changing wet smelly bed sheets,
It's joy for them, they tuck em in prison neat.
Rolling to the left bar as they yank it out, hard feel the pain,
Then a roll to the right, and the same shit repeats again.
Don't get monged out n cause rampages over missing food,
The nurses will shout about, but they dosed u good.
If you rampage 2 much Security might get called,
But ur NHS high, so they just get eye balled.
But don't ever josh n joke with ur bay mates,
Or flip right out n smash ur dinner plates.
They will dose u up,
just to shut you up.
Don't even think about leaving Hotel Frimley Park,
You won't get very far,
Might even break your leg,
in our very own car park.
I used to love coming to hotel Frimley Park, nearly every year,
3 hot meals a day, power shower n no bed bound tears.
This is a mad n sad, summer holiday for me,
Roasting outside, our bay all feels the heat.
So welcome to Hotel Frimley Park,
HMP prison lights off early, so we tap phones in the dark.
I got a mobile, money and a tablet,
Royal Ascots on, so they feed my habit.
My left leg is still leaking everywhere, brown shit,
Not that the nurses can ID, the crumbly bitz.
I got a new big old hole from unknown shit in my left calf,
Not that I can get anything done, not with these numpty staff.
So welcome to the majesty's HMP Frimley Park.
We have NAZI nurses,
that will leave u wet in the dark.
Just don't piss in the bed,
You'll be shipped off 2 another ward instead.
I think I've been around the block in Hotel Frimley Park.
Too many wards I've seen, 2 much madness in the dark.
Life throws u lemons, and u have to make do,
Just remember those Nepalese names, in case u need to sue.
They all babble together at the desk in Smurf,
So I never worry, or give a shit if I curse.
I swear 4 verbs, adjectives and even nouns,
N if u don't like the sound of it, go swivel u pussy clouns.
Apparently Frimley HMP says I'm mentally ill,
I'm paranoid schizo, psychotic n probably ready 2 kill.
So they dose me up in the day to try n keep me quiet,
Turning half my brain off, then complaing about a chocolate éclair riot.
All I want 2 do is itch my broken cast covered leg,
Still I know they r going to turf me out, with 2 fucked pegs.
So welcome to Hotel Frimley Park,
It's a deadly place, n will leave it's mark.
We have unhappy staff,
U will get scolded 4 having a laugh.
It's my summer holiday,
N I've had too many stayz.
I just etch the wall and count up the days.
One day I might get out of this ward n Hotel Frimley Park.
I'll be climbing scaffolding, one leg in the dark.
N if you ever find a broken body, with 2 duff legs,
Just think of me on discharge day only to break my "good" leg.
©2023 All Rights Reserved Robert Reid
