Speech

Blue don't like the way I talk,

They say I slur so want to make me walk.

Sorry officer if I don't speak 2 ur like,

But there's no way I'm swapping wheels for a bike.

I pass every drink n drug test,

And I try and talk 2 u my best.

But coz I'm on a medical u hassle me,

Even though I got no driving crimes 2 see.

U keep telling me ur worried coz of my patter,

But what the fuck has that got to matter.

Ur just causing me DVLA shit for fun,

Jus coz u never liked my means n run. 

All you cops are just the same,

Out to ruin another man's game.

Your just ruining my night n day, 

Filling in forms for the DVLA. 

I think I might switch my wheels for a scoot,

Just so I can pass old blue with a 2 finger salute. 

© 2026 - All Rights Reserved - Robert Reid

Green

Green is the colour of sick and bile,

It stinks a lot and hangs around for a while.

Green is the colour of cut grass and cricket pitches,

Imagine a village full of trees, winding roads and ditches.

Green is the colour you see of crap high up in your guts,

Don't look at the screen during a colonoscopy it hurts too much.

Green is a primary colour of light called RGB,

It's a base colour and helps make up all the other colours you see.

Green is that smell of horrible veg drifting from the kitchen,

Brussel sprouts, spinach, and all the other good for u food that keeps you bitchin'.

Green is the murky colour of underwater growth and frogs,

It's all stains on your clothes and summer moss hanging off logs.

Green isn't a colour that you would paint your car and sell very well,

It's in that list of colours that a hobbit's house may dwell.

Green is a colour not as pretty as red yellow or blue,

But I know from doctors it's the colour of food that is good for you.

So green is a gurky colour and like others to the blind hard to describe,

Just know that you ask a friend if the traffic light is green before they drive.

© All Rights Reserved 2022 By Robert Reid

A Pointless Task

I put those leads to my nips from the battery in the car,

Hoped for the best but just ended up looking at stars.

So I drank 250ml of that lovely oral morph,

Did squat all so I wanna be squashed down to a dwarf.

A jump from Ben Nevis 2 the floor but it’s up Scotland,

N I can’t afford the petrol for my body to land.

Once I tried a blade just to try on my wrist,

But I got no blood inside me so it was a worthless risk.

I took a box of blues and then a bottle of zans,

Woke in an airbag halfway through a wall in a stolen van.

I’m running of ideas to try and top myself,

My body just doesn’t wanna seem to kill itself.

So I’m depressed n mad n sad n can hardly move,

But my bodies got something in it that won’t let me lose.

© 2022 All Rights Reserved Robert Reid

Bored - Ward F7

I'm so bored, bored, bored, bored.

Locked drawers been jimmied, n meds already been chawed.

My ward mates been shipped off, so I'm now officially ignored.

Parents on a cruise holidaying it, having fun abroad.

I'm so bored, bored, bored, bored.

Feel like ripping security just 2 not b ignored.

Most of these nurses up town cud make top $ bein whored.

Why they do this job, is only known by the Lord.

I'm so bored, bored, bored bored.

I got a room full of old gits, stuck with me on my ward.

Never heard of headphones, so its loud nightly cricket scores.

Oh n hour long history lessons, about Nigeria on radio 4.

God I'm so bored, bored, bored, bored.

Might walk the corridors, pulling fire alarm cords.

Watch as porters collide, trying 2 evacuate patient hoards.

I've wandered so much, the whole hospitals been explored.

Someone put me in a coma, coz I'm so fucking bored,

I wanna wake up, when my leg ain't so raw.

I can't handle this boredom, n extras already been knawed,

I wish I could escape, by just pulling an emergency cord.

God plz help me, coz I'm so fucking bored.

If u aint got a plan, there's a few old bangers we cud chaw.

Go 4 a joyride, n hav a drink, do some drugs n maybe some whores,

Then solemnly back to Ward F7, where patients r taken 2 b bored.

© 2021 Rob Reid

Joker Toker

He was just a young, 14 year old Joker Toker,

A one skin roller, full baccy heavy smoker.

Never see a man whitey, quicker than a roller-coaster,

Always coughing up, he's a real phlegm croaker.

Then tells me he's got a heavy rabbit, just on the green, 

I tell him, mate, u don't what a real habit means.

And it's cruel, but he's only on his first pair of jeans.

Wait 20 years, then feel what a real rabbit means.

Trainspotting style, robbing quality tops,

Never been in a town, that your not on shop-watch.

Running from your demons, as fast as those cops,

N u aint got any means, to make it all stop.

Help don't come easy, the Tories were wet,

A Psych team, getting paid for every patient they get.

Can u hop to that green cross when ur covered in sweat?

N take a tipple u don't want, just to show ur a good bet.

Nowhere to go, coz the 3 NHS hotels, all got shut down,

Look everywhere, it's been a country wide crack down.

You'll have to pay 12 K private, come out still in meltdown,

And the only rooms are money money, n all uptown.

But don't worry son, there's always a quick way out,

Just lie in that bath, take loads of sweets n don't shout.

Make sure your so your drunk so you won't get out,

And wave goodbye to the pain, as ur brain shuts out.

It's a shame, coz u could have been in a real dream team,

Making more notes than the BOE can print, full steam.

Driving company cars, private health care, being top cream,

But your ur still using coz that life's just a pipe dream.

Wet white crumbs on a pipe made of coke cans,

And holes from the pull, covered in ash from the back of ur hand.

Standing in alleys smoking Crack as fast as u can,

Robbing n going to jail, it;s a never ending non plan.

So just stop when u take, that first ever full pull,

Your probably on ur lunch break, toking at school.

Come back laughing N giggling, coz ur just a silly fool.

But if u just said no, u cud have skipped life's cesspool.

© 2021 All Rights Reserved Robert Reid

The Deer...

I saw a magnificent creature I did,

A deer in the cold night's air, I swear.

One minute nothing but darkness and air,

and then the magnificent creature was suddenly there.

It stood in the dark, eyes pinned by the light,

standing tall and majestic, alone in the night.

Then I rammed it at 30mph or more,

I felt it's poor head pummel my cars side door.

I stopped the car to help the creature I swear,

but the creature was gone, no animal to help was there.

It must have fled into the woods to die,

a broken neck, all alone to cry.

I would have broken that neck if I could,

to spare that creature dying alone in the woods.

But the magnificent creature that was there, was no more,

I had killed that creature, with my foot to the floor.

© 2020 – All Rights Reserved - Robert Reid

Guilty Pleasure....

I'm guilty and it's always a pleasure,

Stuck indoors, sweating the weather.

Minted, always, a man of wealth,

My habits and pleasures have never been stealth.

I had gold plated ching, and whores on tap,

Quick booty calls and sometimes the clap.

Drugs, booze, Armani styled suits,

Italian leather shoes, platinum DM boots.

I have it all, houses all round,

Aston Martins with top surround sound.

Top speed beasts, I wreck cars without care,

Brush off the glass, smile back at stares.

Pull out some notes, and pay off the peeps, 

Surprised what folks forget, for a few sheets.

But all this sprinkle is normal life,

My real guilty secret, I keep from my wife.

I wait downstairs, in the marble piped hall,

Blow her a kiss, and say that I'll call.

Watch as she walks off, picks out a car,

I stand on the steps, make sure she's out far.

Then I strip off my clothes, and pull out my cock,

Lay in the garden, right by the dock.

The boats swim past, Richmond river a few,

I always make sure, the ladies get a good view.

Cover my nads, with honey so sweet,

And rap off a knuckle, right to the beat.

I let all the passengers, get a good view,

Slapping the monkey, a tickle or few.

The grannies all take pictures, and flashing snaps,

But my face is covered, with my wives face on mask.

My chest isn't hairy, it's got fake tits,

I rub my nips, and flick my bits.

All the old ladies, are turned on for sure,

As I shoot my load, I get a loud roar!

© 2020 – All Rights Reserved - Robert Reid